Delusional Love

Yoonwoo opened his eyes, immediately sensing something was different. The bed beneath him wasn’t his usual stiff, rough one, but incredibly soft and cozy. Unlike his studio, where a hard wall would be right above his head, a soft orange night light glowed beside him. The strangest part, though, was someone clinging to his right arm, fast asleep.

Where am I? Who is this? Why can’t I remember anything…? Ah, my head…

He recalled enjoying lamb skewers, fascinated by the automatic machine that rotated and cooked them. He also remembered Jieun passionately explaining how well soju paired with the skewers.

Watching her, Yoonwoo thought, She could live happily just on alcohol.

His mind wandered. Was drinking truly so joyful? Yoonwoo’s initial impression of alcohol had been negative. In The Little Prince, a drunkard drinks to forget the shame of drinking—a contradiction that seemed to mirror reality. His father drank when bad things happened, and bad things happened every time he drank. He’d curse at Yoonwoo’s mother, lash out at Yoonwoo, and sometimes storm out and not return…

However, the university changed Yoonwoo’s view of alcohol completely. To students, it symbolized fun. While under the influence of sleeping pills in his room, he’d hear drunk students chatting loudly outside, as if flaunting their enjoyment. Once, someone even shouted outside his room at 3 a.m., “Ogenkidesuka! Watashiwa! Genkidesu!”—a famous line from a classic Japanese movie, meaning ‘Are you well? I am fine!’

It almost seemed like they were making fun of him. To think such voices woke him from sleep in his narrow bed where he couldn’t even stretch out… For Yoonwoo, the loud voices of joyful people were a form of oppression.

Why did Jieun like alcohol? Was it because she was popular? At Hyerim’s house, Jieun’s phone constantly vibrated with incoming messages. She drank often because so many people wanted to meet her. Someone like that must have plenty of emotional space, which explains why she was considerate enough to offer Yoonwoo a night out.

Jieun didn’t become angry or violent when drinking, did she? To Yoonwoo, petite Jieun seemed larger than life. He viewed alcohol as a mysterious poison that amplified aggression, turning people into beasts. Part of him still felt like a child, trembling and hiding from his violent father. Yet here was Jieun, a true adult who could drink freely and live happily.

Next to her, Yoonwoo felt deeply ashamed. He didn’t feel like an adult at all. Socializing was a struggle, and he lacked the courage to reach out to strangers. He was just a child masquerading as a university student.

As the adult Jieun clinked glasses with him, saying “Cheers,” Yoonwoo felt both honored and awkward. He was so tense that he couldn’t even taste the alcohol’s bitterness. Though he’d planned to keep up with Jieun briefly before excusing himself, anxiety and shame prevented him from stopping. The last thing he remembered was being served a complimentary plate of dumplings.

Yoonwoo realized he was experiencing a ‘blackout.’ It was unsettling not knowing what he’d done or how he’d ended up here. His stomach churned.

He wanted to swallow, but his throat felt parched. Luckily, he spotted a few water bottles under the nightlight. Yoonwoo cautiously reached for one, trying not to disturb the person clinging to his arm. With just one hand, he struggled to unscrew the cap, but once he brought the bottle to his lips, he managed to gulp down two-thirds of it in one go. The water seemed to clear his mind slightly.

“Ah… Why are you moving so much? Stay still…” The person clinging to his arm spoke, their voice sleepy and irritated. He must have moved too much while opening the water bottle. They buried their face deeper into Yoonwoo’s arm, tightening their grip. Yoonwoo felt ticklish from the hair brushing against his arm and the breath on his skin. The voice was definitely female…

Suddenly, Yoonwoo imagined a scene at the rear gate of the Science & Economics building, with a poster reading, ‘Condemning Yoonwoo Lee of the Economics Department.’ He had seen similar posters about students being disciplined for assaulting someone while drunk, but the punishment was considered too lenient, with calls for expulsion. He had always thought such matters were someone else’s problem. Never had he imagined he’d be in the same position…

If he committed suicide after an accusation like that, no one would sympathize. He would be condemned as a sexual offender who fled. He didn’t know exactly what had happened because he had blacked out, but whatever this person clinging to him said would become the truth. Oddly, Yoonwoo felt his life was continually flowing in a direction where no one would listen to him. A direction where he couldn’t even speak…

Yoonwoo cautiously lifted the blanket. The woman, small in frame, wore an oversized t-shirt and pajama pants, looking even tinier curled up. It had to be Jieun. Was this her room? He’d visited her house before, but never her bedroom. It was surprising that a night of drinking had led to this.

He knew he should quickly separate from Jieun and apologize, but that meant waking her.

“Noona? Jieun? Can you wake up for a moment?”

“Ah… Shit… Why?” Jieun’s tone was as irritable as before.

“Uh… Sorry, I don’t remember why we’re like this, but maybe we should separate a bit?”

“Why…? Bathroom? Hurry up… I’m sleepy…”

“No, it’s not that…”

“Then what? Why’d you wake me?”

“It’s just that… you’re clinging to me.”

“Why? You don’t like me using your arm as a pillow?”

“No, it’s not that I dislike it…”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Huh?”

Was Jieun not thinking straight because she was drunk? Yoonwoo was at a loss. He’d expected her to say, ‘Aargh, why am I like this? Move over!’ or ‘You bastard, what did you do to me?’

“Just… If we keep lying here, you might feel… a bit…”

“Shit… ‘a bit’ what? Ah, arm numb? Switch arms?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Then what?”

“I thought you’d be uncomfortable because I haven’t even showered…”

“Ha… Yoonwoo…”

“Yeah?”

“Why wake me for that? It’s fine, go back to sleep…”

“Uh… I’m a guy, you know, and after drinking…”

“Today, you’re a pillow, not a guy. Pillows don’t wake people up, do they?”

“…Right.”

“Then don’t wake me up again. If you do, I’ll bite your arm off. Sleep well.”

“Uh, okay… Goodnight.”

What is this? A pillow? A pillow, huh…

Yoonwoo felt oddly good about being called a pillow. Emotions toward objects like chairs or desks don’t usually escalate to extremes like those directed at people.

A pillow symbolizes something positive. Jieun was literally using Yoonwoo as one, so it wasn’t just a metaphor. Despite her irritation, she’d given him the value of a pillow. It was one of the more favorable assessments Yoonwoo had received. Perhaps Jieun was simply intoxicated, and the fact that he hadn’t showered was truly bothersome, but Yoonwoo resolved to meet her expectations to the best of his ability.

“A pillow. I’m a pillow that can’t speak or move…” Mumbling to himself, Yoonwoo eventually drifted off to sleep.

Hours later, Yoonwoo, a light sleeper, woke up early but couldn’t get up because Jieun was still deep asleep. Now, Jieun’s legs were also on top of him. The part of his arm where Jieun’s breath reached felt damp.

His head still ached and felt dizzy, so he closed his eyes again. Soon, he heard the door lock turning. It sounded familiar, like someone putting their shoes away. A thief wouldn’t do that. Maybe it was Jieun’s family or friend? Whoever it was, seeing Jieun and Yoonwoo like this would be bad. Jieun would be mortified. So, Yoonwoo gently shook Jieun.

“Jieun, wake up, someone’s here.”

“Ah… Shit… Didn’t I tell you not to wake me?”

“I know, but if it’s someone you know— Ouch!”

She actually bit me.

Jieun bit Yoonwoo’s arm irritably before falling back asleep. The person who’d entered the house didn’t come into the room but seemed to be cooking in the kitchen. The sound of chopping on a cutting board, water boiling in a pot… Once the boiling finished, wouldn’t they come to open the room door? Yoonwoo felt urgent about waking Jieun…

However, contrary to his expectations, the door swung open while the pot was still boiling. Yoonwoo propped himself up with his other arm, barely managing to sit up and look at the door. And the person who opened it was…

“H-Hyerim.”

“Wow, you guys look really lovey-dovey… So you finally decided to date, huh? How long have you known each other again?”

It was terrifying. Her voice was cold and sharp, like when Rabbit talked about her father. But unlike Rabbit, whose voice alone was cold, Hyerim’s frozen expression as she glared at Yoonwoo was twice as frightening. It was understandable. Her closest friend, almost like a sister, was clinging to Yoonwoo. It was bound to make her angry.

“Date?” Yoonwoo croaked. “No way. This is just…”

“Just what? What is it?”

His mouth felt like sandpaper. He stumbled over his words, desperate to respond before Hyerim’s sharp tongue could lash out again.

“It’s just… Jieun wanted to use me as a pillow…”

“That makes no sense.”

“But it’s true…”

“Yoonwoo, I never expected such a ridiculous excuse from you. Did Jieun ask you to keep it a secret from me? Afraid I’d do something?”

The words sounded ludicrous even to Yoonwoo’s ears. He had to admit, the situation was bizarre. If he were in Hyerim’s shoes, he wouldn’t believe it either. He desperately wanted to explain properly, to protect Jieun’s reputation, but he was just as clueless about how they’d ended up like this. If only Jieun would wake up and clarify things herself, but she remained oblivious, sleeping through the whole ordeal.

“Hyerim, I know it sounds weird, but I don’t think Jieun and I are dating.”

He was certain Jieun hadn’t asked him out, nor had he asked her. It simply didn’t add up.

“You don’t think you’re dating? Yoonwoo, you’re in this mess right now and you’re not even sure?”

“To be honest… my mind’s a complete blank. I woke up like this, and I don’t have any clue how we got here. But still, Noona treated me like a pillow. She told me to shut up and go back to sleep. She didn’t even see me as a guy, so I don’t think we’re dating,”

Before Yoonwoo could finish, Hyerim had already moved to Jieun, shaking her awake.

“Jieun, Jieun! Unnie! Wake up, now!”

“Ah… How many times did I say not to wake— Oh! Hyerim?!”

Seeing Hyerim, Jieun sprang up like a cat spotting a snake.

“No, that— Uh, look, Hyerim, this isn’t what it looks like—”

“I’m listening. Explain it to me from the start.”

Jieun seemed even more scared of Hyerim than Yoonwoo was. He felt responsible for the situation and wanted to help Jieun, but he was completely lost about what was actually going on.

As a child, when his parents argued, Yoonwoo’s best strategy was to stay silent and find a discreet hiding spot. He’d learned that lingering nearby only escalated their quarrels, often resulting in him being either chased away or punished. He felt the situation was similar now. However, with nowhere to hide, he resolved to stay as quiet as possible.

“Well… After our call last night…” Jieun began.

Hyerim cut in, “Hold on. Was everything you told me on that call actually true?”

“Yeah, of course. And honestly, nothing happened after that. Really.”

“Nothing happened? Then why were you clinging to each other like that? Jieun, it’s fine. You can tell me the truth. What am I gonna do if you two are dating?”

“You don’t look okay with it. And seriously, nothing happened. After I hung up, the alcohol hit me hard… I figured, why crash on the couch when there’s a big bed? So I just rolled over next to Yoonwoo. That’s how we ended up like this. I swear.”

“You rolled over in your sleep and wound up cuddling him like that? Using his arm as a pillow? Does that make any sense to you?”

“Well… I usually sleep hugging a pillow, and I gave Yoonwoo that pillow yesterday. I felt weird without it, and I tossed around until I ended up hugging Yoonwoo’s arm. I didn’t even realize I was on his legs, too…”

“Really? You sure you weren’t just tired out from… something else?”

“What the hell are you implying? No! Look! We’re both fully dressed!”

“Okay, fine. I get that. But Yoonwoo? You’re not even dating, and you just let her use your arm as a pillow?”

Despite trying his best to stay out of it, the spotlight suddenly turned to Yoonwoo.

“Uh… it was just an arm pillow…”

“Seriously? An arm pillow means nothing to you?”

“Yeah.”

What did it actually mean? The same action can be interpreted in totally different ways depending on who’s doing it. A celebrity offering “free hugs” is worlds apart from some overweight, shower-phobic guy reeking like garbage doing the same thing. The latter might even get the cops called on him.

“So, Yoonwoo, if I asked you to be my arm pillow, would you do it?” Hyerim asked.

“Uh… You?”

“Would you do it?” she pressed.

“Um… Why?”

“Why what? Just answer.”

“Uh, yes.”

“Really? Then stretch out your arm. Let me lie down too.”

“What? Now? Seriously?”

“Why not? You said it’s okay. Is it only okay for Jieun and not for me?”

Hyerim never let up until she got a satisfactory answer, whether it was about restaurant choices or splitting the bill.

“It’s just, I didn’t shower yesterday, and I probably reek of booze…”

“Jieun was in the same state and you let her, right?”

“It’s not like I gave her permission. I didn’t even realize she was using it. If I had known, I would’ve at least showered, wouldn’t I?”

“Right! Yoonwoo was asleep, and even though he was about to roll away, I grabbed onto him and used his arm as a pillow!”

Yoonwoo appreciated Jieun’s quick thinking. Honestly, Hyerim’s demands seemed over the top. It was like a commoner being asked to serve the king burnt rice soup in a dirty bowl. Even if you complied, you might get in trouble just for the dirty dish. He’d probably feel the same way even if it was Jieun, but in her case, he never had a say in the matter.

Yoonwoo felt trapped. If he agreed to Hyerim’s request without objecting, could it still be considered forced? Or was she just skillfully twisting his words? Before he could decide, Jieun jumped in.

“Hyerim… You know nothing happened, right? We’re not dating.”

“Are you sure?”

“That’s right. We’re just friends. A close senior and junior.”

From being a pillow last night to friends a few hours later. Did she really think of him as a friend? What did friendship even mean? Did Jieun call just anyone a friend? Even so, after all these years, Yoonwoo had finally met someone who called him a friend.

“Okay, I believe you. I mean, looking at it closely, your clothes aren’t messed up, there was nothing weird in your trash, and Yoonwoo’s acting like… Yoonwoo.”

“You’re okay now?” Jieun said, sounding relieved. “I’m glad you believe us.”

It seemed like Jieun and Hyerim had settled their dispute.

“But back to the point, Yoonwoo,” Hyerim said, whipping around to Yoonwoo. “Why won’t you let me use your arm as a pillow, too? Why are you playing favorites?!”

“Huh…?”

Shouldn’t this conversation have ended when their argument did?

“Yoonwoo, just promise her you’ll do it later if she keeps this up,” Jieun whispered. But Hyerim’s hearing was sharper than Jieun thought.

“Yeah, I’ll keep at it, so promise me you’ll do it.”

“Yikes,” Jieun blurted.

“Um. Okay, I will,” Yoonwoo conceded.

What else could he say when she threatened to keep asking? Hyerim wasn’t thinking straight. After seeing Jieun and Yoonwoo together, she was probably just spouting whatever came to mind. She’d cool off and forget about this eventually…

“Jieun hung up at 10:30 p.m. yesterday, and I opened the room door at 7:30 a.m. So… about nine hours of arm pillow. Got it, Yoonwoo? You’d better not change your mind later.”

“Uh… Okay…”