Delusional Love

“Feeling better?” Jieun asked.

“Yeah. Thanks, Noona.”

In her two years of heavy drinking, Jieun had seen her share of intoxicated people. Yoonwoo’s drunkenness, however, was mild. His flushed face quickly faded, tears drying up. Though his gait remained unsteady, it had improved.

They reached Yoonwoo’s place near Jwa Shin Hyang Hospital. Jieun sat him at the entrance of his studio apartment, then darted to a nearby convenience store. She returned with two bottles of chocolate milk, handing one to Yoonwoo. They perched side by side on the stairs, poking straws into their drinks.

“Yoonwoo, why were you crying earlier?” Jieun probed. “If something’s bothering you, tell me. Don’t hold back. I tend to babble when I’m drunk.”

“It’s nothing,” Yoonwoo replied, his tone oddly mechanical. “Just drunk thoughts. But I had fun.”

Yoonwoo sounded like he was reading from a script. Jieun sensed that even if she’d made a mistake, he wouldn’t mention it. While many people’s inhibitions lowered when drunk, Yoonwoo’s defenses remained intact. She felt a twinge of disappointment that he hadn’t opened up more.

Damn, I shouldn’t have let him drink so much. But why did he cry? What did I do wrong?

Jieun wondered if she’d been the only one excited. She cringed at her forward questions, asked without gauging Yoonwoo’s reactions. What if this day became a bad memory for him? What if he started avoiding drinking with her?

However, they had already finished their chocolate milk, so there was no excuse to linger outside his apartment any longer. Yoonwoo was silently staring at the ground, his head hanging down.

I should apologize in the morning. And promise never to do this again and to be more mindful of Yoonwoo. I won’t encourage him to drink like that again. Maybe I should offer to buy him hangover soup for lunch tomorrow. I need to change my reputation as the crazy senior who drinks too much.

With that thought, Jieun decided to walk home after Yoonwoo went inside. She couldn’t wait to console her troubled mind with a shot of vodka from her fridge. However, Yoonwoo seemed much less sober than he appeared.

“Today was a bit much, huh?” Jieun said gently. “I’ll take it easy next time. I hope you get a good night’s sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Uh? Noona, where are you going?”

“Where else? Home. I’m planning to walk. It’ll help me sober up.”

“Ah, you’re going home… I see…”

What the hell, why’s he acting like this all of a sudden? Why is he looking at me like that?

Jieun was puzzled by his tone and expression, which seemed to convey regret that she was leaving. Even if that were the case, there wasn’t anything she could do about it. If Yoonwoo was asking where she was going, it meant he wasn’t fully aware of the situation. It would be best for him to go inside to sleep it off.

“Anyway, I’m going to leave now, okay? Maybe see you tomorrow at Hyerim’s place?”

“You’re leaving now?”

“Of course not. You’re too far gone. Go inside.”

“That’s not… Can I walk you home?”

Is he hitting on me?

This was unlike Yoonwoo. From what she’d seen during their drinking, he wasn’t one to actively pursue women. This had to be the alcohol talking.

Jieun knew how people could transform when drunk. Some handle their liquor well up to a point, seeming like strong drinkers, then suddenly change as if all the alcohol hits at once.

He wasn’t in good shape, even if his color had returned. One bottle of soju had him staggering, far beyond his usual tolerance. The alcohol wouldn’t wear off in minutes, no matter how okay he seemed now.

Still, if he insisted… Would someone in the friend zone say something like that? At gatherings, such offers often carried hidden motives. It was different if someone genuinely couldn’t get home alone, but Jieun was sober, and Yoonwoo wasn’t.

Could Yoonwoo have secretly liked her all along, his true feelings surfacing now?

No, I shouldn’t take his words so literally. He’s drunk. I should do the right thing.

“I appreciate the thought, but you can hardly walk straight.”

“No, I’m okay now. I can walk fine.” Yoonwoo stood, swaying slightly. His eyes were half-closed, his steps unsteady.

“Damn, what’s okay about you? You’re still staggering. Just go in and sleep.”

“Just to the halfway point? Can’t we?”

“Why are you so clingy? Do you want to hang out longer?”

“…Yes.”

“Uh, well, in that case…”

Was he always like this drunk? I really shouldn’t let him drink again.

Jieun remembered her family’s beloved Spitz, Garlic, who’d cry every morning when she left for school. The dog had passed away when she was in elementary school, and she’d cried inconsolably, regretting not skipping school to spend more time with him.

Since then, she couldn’t bring herself to keep pets, the pain of parting too overwhelming.

Now, Yoonwoo’s demeanor oddly reminded her of Garlic, with that pitiful look as if begging her not to leave him alone.

Ah, damn it.

“Alright, let’s go. But walk carefully, okay? Like earlier. Got it?”

“Yeah, understood. Thanks.”

Yoonwoo draped his arm over Jieun’s shoulder, more carefully this time. He tried his best not to lean on her heavily. Earlier, she’d felt like his crutch, her head barely reaching his chin. Now, his gentle touch felt almost like a half-embrace as they walked.

She quickly silenced the thought, refusing to misinterpret his actions.

The twenty-minute walk to Jieun’s home stretched to thirty with Yoonwoo’s slow pace.

“Why’d you suddenly offer to walk me home?” Jieun asked as they ambled along. “Did you want to drink more? Just walk? Or is it something else?”

“I don’t want to go inside my room,” Yoonwoo mumbled.

“Why not?”

“It feels too cramped.”

“Your studio is small. But you’ve been living there fine, haven’t you?”

“Some days, it feels tiny. Like being inside a washing machine.”

“A washing machine?”

Jieun thought it an odd but apt comparison. Most people spoke of rabbit holes or ant hills. But Yoonwoo wasn’t being metaphorical.

“When I was little and came home dirty, I was put inside a washing machine.”

“What…? Not the clothes, but you?”

“Yeah.”

“By who?”

“My mom.”

“Your real mom?”

“Yeah. She said it was to make me reflect. It was hard to breathe. I kept thinking, what if someone pressed the button and water started filling up? I could drown.”

“What the hell… What kind of—”

She bit back the words, “What kind of parent would do that?” Insulting someone’s parents seemed tactless. She didn’t know what Yoonwoo’s parents meant to him.

“So it was really scary,” Yoonwoo continued. “These days, I sometimes feel the same in my room. Like I can’t breathe. Like it’s slowly filling with water. Especially yesterday and today.”

He knew he shouldn’t take his medicine on the days he drank. And he was afraid he might ignore the doctor’s advice and take the pills if he went home. He even thought he might end up taking all the pills he had been saving little by little. That’s why he dreaded his room.

He feared what might happen if Rabbit didn’t respond to his messages. He’d checked while drinking the chocolate milk earlier—no messages from Rabbit. It might not be time yet, but maybe it wasn’t just that.

A notification for an unread message popped up. Yoonwoo hoped it was Rabbit.

However, it turned out to be Hyerim in the group chat asking if they had made it home safely. He left it unread, lacking the energy to respond.

In his drunken state, Yoonwoo was driven more by emotion than reason. Fear of reaching out to Rabbit made him dread going home.

The fear of suffocation in the hallucinated shrinking of his room haunted him, just as it had the day before. Without fully realizing it, he found himself clinging to Jieun.

“How can I tell you to go home if you say it like that?” Jieun fretted. “We’re almost at my place.”

“It’s okay. I’ll walk around a bit and then head back. Thanks, Noona.”

“Don’t do that. Want to stay at a nearby motel? I’ll pay for it.”

“No, that’s not necessary. Really. Don’t worry about me.”

“You really don’t seem like you can get home.”

“I’m fine. I’m sorry for being stubborn. I’ll go home. Take care, Noona.”

“Alright. Make sure you go straight inside, okay? And message me when you get there.”

“Okay,” Yoonwoo said as he turned to leave.

His steps were still unsteady as he walked, looking down at the ground. Jieun watched his forlorn figure for a long time, finding it hard to let him go.

She’d suspected he had emotional issues, but drunk Yoonwoo looked even more unstable. He’d never have confided such things sober.

Child abuse stories weren’t unfamiliar to her. She knew it was unusual for a mother to commit such acts. The idea that a parent would do that was unsettling. She wondered if Yoonwoo was grappling with deeper troubles than he let on.

What if he fell and hurt himself? Or misread a signal and got into an accident? Even if he made it home safely, what if he felt a dangerous impulse while alone and drunk?

Bad thoughts bred more bad thoughts. Thinking of her mother’s death, Jieun couldn’t let him go. She ran up to Yoonwoo and grabbed his arm.

“Ah, damn it! Come with me.”

“Huh? Noona? What do you mean?”

“Shut up and come. I can’t stand being worried.”

In the end, Jieun brought Yoonwoo home. She handed him a spare toothbrush and sent him to wash up. Meanwhile, she stuffed scattered clothes into the closet, then downed a shot of vodka in the kitchen.

This isn’t me luring him, right? It’s just a senior taking care of a junior. Lots of people do it, right? I don’t know, damn it…

Yoonwoo emerged from the bathroom, hair damp, water droplets trickling down his cheeks.

“You’re already done?” Jieun asked.

“Yeah, I only washed my face and hair. But am I really okay to sleep here? It feels a bit…”

“It’s fine! Lie down in my bed! Quick, go to sleep!”

“What will you do?”

“I’ll figure it out, so don’t worry. My hair dryer is by the mirror. Dry your hair. There’s lotion too. Use it if you want.”

“Is it okay for me to sleep in your bed?”

“Hey, are you going to sleep or not? Shut up and rest now!”

“Uh… Okay. Thanks for everything, Noona.”

“That’s what a good senior is for, right?” She laughed nervously.

What should I do now? Seriously, what do I do?

After settling Yoonwoo in her bed, Jieun couldn’t calm down. Only her father had ever slept there; it was originally her parents’ bed. She wondered if Yoonwoo had ever stayed overnight anywhere. Given this was their first time drinking together, and his reserved nature, it seemed unlikely. He probably had never spent the night at a woman’s place.

Jieun knew only one way to quiet her racing thoughts. She downed two more shots of vodka and showered. It wasn’t wise, however. The more she drank, the less control she had over her impulses.

After showering, Jieun dried her hair quietly outside her room, not wanting to wake Yoonwoo. Usually, she didn’t bother drying her hair after drinking because it was too much trouble, but today, she took extra care to clean herself up. She even applied body lotion and changed into clean pajamas. Meanwhile, Yoonwoo hadn’t stirred once. Whether he was just sleeping or had passed out from the alcohol was unclear.

Why does he sleep so sadly?

Entering the room, Jieun saw Yoonwoo in a pitiable position. It was a spacious bed, but Yoonwoo lay precariously on the edge, hands clasped on his stomach, legs stretched straight, as if in a coffin.

There was space for two more adults. Had Yoonwoo left that space for her? She sat on the bed and watched him, the alcohol buzz just hitting her.

Even if she poked his cheeks, he wouldn’t wake. Yoonwoo probably hadn’t done anything with a woman before, so if Jieun did something now… Wouldn’t it be a first for Yoonwoo? How would he react? Would he dislike it

She thought of Amélie Nothomb’s novel Cosmetic of the Enemy and recalled Textor Texel’s words: “Because I love you, I am prepared to commit a crime against you.”

The protagonist curses and berates Texel, but in reality, Textor Texel represents the embodiment of the protagonist’s secret desires. While everyone denies such feelings, the truth is that everyone harbors explicit desires to some extent.

Textor Texel seemed to whisper in Jieun’s ear. Maybe she could apply the same logic to Yoonwoo.

Yoonwoo, who couldn’t imagine someone loving him. Yoonwoo, who said he’d love someone back if they loved him. Would his thoughts change if he realized he could be desired? If he knew someone wanted him badly enough to disregard his will, would he come to like that person?

Jieun’s hand, which had been caressing Yoonwoo’s cheek and hair, moved toward his lips. His breath, mixed with alcohol, tickled her hand. She managed her expression in case he woke up, ready to pretend it was just a joke, but Yoonwoo showed no signs of stirring.

Even in sleep, his face looked sad.

What would it be like if he smiled softly at me in a way that suited his voice and face?

An uncontrollable impulse quickened Jieun’s heartbeat. Her face moved closer to Yoonwoo’s until barely a finger’s width separated them. The warm breath escaping his slightly parted lips ghosted over hers.

How long would he stay asleep? Would he continue sleeping no matter what she did? Such thoughts overwhelmed her, and she found herself unable to stop.

That was when it happened.

Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo! Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo! Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo!

“Damn,” Jieun whispered, hastily searching for her phone. “That scared me. Why did I set that ringtone? Ugh!”

She was worried that Yoonwoo might wake up. The cheerful nursery rhyme from her phone, which completely contradicted the mood that had been dominating Jieun’s actions just moments ago, snapped her back to her senses. Thinking about what might have happened made her want to stomp her feet in frustration. Yet, part of her felt regret. If the phone hadn’t rung…

“Hello?”

The phone was on the kitchen table where she’d been drinking earlier. She glanced at the caller ID.

“Oh, Hyerim.”